There are people who enter your life and then fade away softly as if they never existed. There are people who enter your life and fit like a missing puzzle piece. Then there are people who enter your life and stick like a large piece of bubble gum in your hair. Tyler Ewing is my large piece of loveable gum. I am proud to call him a friend, I love him like a brother, and I wish our lives hadn’t gone in directions that cause us to go years without seeing one another.
I had been stationed in Germany for around 6-8 months before I met then Specialist Ewing. He arrived in Germany from a previous assignment at Ft. Gordon with the air of arrogance that comes from a junior enlisted making his way to his second duty station. Initially I didn’t get to know Tyler well, but within a fairly short amount of time we became roommates and it didn’t take me long to realize that Tyler was different. Tyler was… how do I put it… odd, but in a way that was both annoying and endearing at the same time. He would often say and do things that made you scratch your head and enjoy his company simultaneously. What do I mean… well a quick look at the picture that accompanies this blog and you will instantly understand.
Master Sergeant Tyler Ewing is a career soldier, 38 years old (I think) and hails from Missouri. He is as Pro-America as it gets, has a head full of auburn hair, and weighs about 110 lbs. soaking wet. To say Tyler’s complexion is pale would be a massive understatement. He is semi-translucent, and when he grows his mustache out looks like a cross between Ron Swanson and Ron Burgundy, which is fitting because he loves all things random and odd.
His personality is equal parts eccentric, fun, and maddening. Lingering just below that crazy exterior lies one of the most genuine and caring people you will ever meet. The type of friend who would be there for your if you needed him, albeit with some smart comment and a look. He reminds me a lot of the character Wayne in the movie “Saving Silverman.”… You may or may not want to share your problems with him because you can be certain he will find a solution. That solution will not likely be anything you could imagine or possibly want.
Over the course of the next three weeks I plan to have a little fun at Tyler’s expense (Don’t feel sorry for him he deserves it), give you a glimpse into his madness, and pay homage to this enigmatic man, whom I call a good friend. Through three short, and possibly embellished stories I will shed light onto the man we nicknamed Skinnylicious. So without further adieu…
Bowling “The Real Game” – The first time I bowled with Tyler was in Germany. Thinking it would be fun, a group of us headed to the local bowling alley in Wiesbaden on a Friday night. I was really looking forward to some fun but was unaware what was in store for me that evening.
Immediately upon departure Tyler began running his mouth about how he planned to defeat me. This was followed quickly by a dissertation on why the straight ball was superior to a hook, and continued into a barrage of obnoxiousness that didn’t stop for the remainder of the evening. It was Tyler in full effect, with an audience, and it was unbearable. It was at that point I made my fateful mistake. I had decided that I was not just going to win, I was going to destroy him. I planned to cause his pride to plummet to the lowest depths possible, a place from where it would never return. Little did I know that Tyler, like many snakes, is immune to his own venom. A fact that haunts me to this day.
We arrived, laced up our shoes, chose our lane, and I commenced with a barrage of strikes and spares. I quickly turned game one into a lopsided victory in very short order. Game two was proceeding in a similar fashion when I decided to run my mouth a bit. I was winning, why not enjoy it?
Tyler’s reaction to my trash talk was immediate and irrational. In an instant, he proclaimed that the only game that mattered in bowling was the third game, the “REAL GAME.” He opined that it didn’t matter what happened in the first two games, the third game was for champions. This went from irrational babbling to his battle cry. He worked himself up into a frenzy and garnered the support of everyone in the bowling alley. By the time he was done the entire place was chanting “real game, real game, real game.”
I hadn’t planned on bowling another game, but after the show, I felt obligated to throw one more time. I had beaten him soundly twice, what was one more game? With that decision I fell swiftly into his manic trap. I found out quickly that this game would most definitely be different. Tyler was amped up and using every annoying tactic at his disposal to gain a competitive edge. With each swing of that gangly ginger arm he kept marking points. He was laser focused. He rarely threw strikes but seemed to always make his spares. Added to this solid turn around was his unwavering commitment to being unbearable, I was in trouble.
I wasn’t losing, but I couldn’t put him away. Every time I would be close, he would do something like roll my ball away from me in the ball return, make noises when I walked up to bowl like squish, squish, squish. There were fake hexes placed on the lane, foul language spewed at my ball as it rolled toward the pins, and random shouting and ticks like a person with Tourette’s. Every missed opportunity or mistake was followed by the comment, “Come on Brent this is the REAL GAME.”
It pains me to admit it, but like an Elephant overwhelmed by a pride of Lions I was eventually eaten by the crazy. I succumbed to the obnoxiousness and Tyler edged me by a couple pins. All told, I had won two of three games by about forty pins each. Under normal circumstances this would make me the winner via games and pins. However, in the world Tyler had fabricated, I had failed to win the “REAL GAME.” Tyler declared himself the champion of the night and I didn’t have the energy to argue with him. The obnoxiousness continued the remainder of the evening and continues to this day. We rarely have a conversation where the term “REAL GAME” fails to pop up. Over the last 20 years I have bowled with Tyler numerous times and won way more games that I have lost, however, I have never won a “REAL GAME.”
Stop back in for next weeks story… DJ Skinnylicious!